How DuroSport Is Preparing For the Global Recession

As you may have heard, there are problems in The World. There is some sort of Global Financial Crisis (not my fault) and the market is in The Crater. As a result, we are having to make many hard decisions about the future here at DuroSport.

Earlier this week I attended an emergency meeting of the DuroSport Board of The Directors. At this meeting I was informed of just how serious The Situation is. Apparently we have a case of The Cash Crunch. Now we are having to make changes to the way we do business.

What does this mean for you the loyal DuroSport consumer? I will tell you.

Effective immediately we are suspending all work that is not directly related to our “core competencies”.

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The 4-Hour Workweek Is Ruining Our Company

The Christmas is right around the corner and I am sorry to say that there is almost no chance that our Pütz media player will be released in time for the holiday. It breaks my heart to admit this, but it is the sad reality of our situation. Please start preparing your children now. There will be no Pütz in their stockings on Christmas morning. I blame it all on a man named Mr. Timothy Ferriss and his stupid book The 4-Hour Workweek.

After our last setback I knew that it would be a difficult challenge meeting the manufacturing deadline for the busy holiday season. Unfortunately we have made ABSOLUTELY NO PROGRESS in the last two months. How is that possible? I will tell you.

Shortly after returning from his stay in the Moldovan prison, Vladimir started behaving strangely (strange even for him). He refused to read any of the memos or product documents that had been written in his absence. So, I asked Vladimir how he planed to develop the new product without reading any of the specifications, and he says to me “I am going on a low information diet”.

That was not even an answer to my question. And what in the hell is a Low Information Diet?

Then Vladimir started refusing to attend our weekly meetings. He said that our meetings were a waste of time and started ranting about some Italian named Pareto.

Meanwhile, I could not help but notice that he does not consider The MySpace a waste of time, as he is still spending most of his day “chatting with the cuties” (his words, not mine).

There is no talking with Vladimir when he gets like this, so I sent him an email. And then I did not hear anything for a week. Finally, the following Monday morning he replies “Thank you for contacting the Vladimir Concescu with problems you have. My virtual assistant will be in contacting you with shortly”.

Virtual assistant?! The man does almost no work, why does he need an assistant?

Later that day I got a call on The Skype. It was from some lady in Bangalore. She told me that Vladimir had assigned my case to her and that she would be helping me resolve my problem. I will say that she was very polite, and her English was much better than Vladimir’s. But still, this is no way to do business.

Finally I cornered Vladimir at the coffee machine (if he is not on The MySpace or in the restroom, he is at the coffee machine). That is when he told me about his “muse”. He explained that he is starting a dating service with his girlfriends on The MySpace.

I asked him, what kind of muse is a MySpace dating service?!

Then he explains that he will need the income when he is on his “mini-retirement”.

Mini-retirement? He just spent three months lounging around the Moldovan prison racking up data access charges. And now his is retiring?

Then he hands me The 4-hour Workweek book and says, “I am going to escape 9-5, live anywhere, and join the new rich”. I was a little surprised by that, but then I noticed that it says those exact words on the cover. Vladimir is very impressionable.

So, the reason why there will be no Pütz for Christmas is because Vladimir read this stupid book.

Worse yet, the book has been making the rounds at The DuroSport headquarters. Now Otto in security is wanting to negotiate his schedule so he can work from home. I am sorry, I may be old fashioned, but security guard is not a job that can be done from home!

Mr. Timothy Ferris is the worst kind of moron. His stupid book is destroying our company. He is the enemy of capitalism! I came to America to get away from people like him.

Please Mr. Ferris, take your next mini-retirement in Romania and do not write any more books.

Where In The World Is Vladimir Concescu?

Some of you have been wondering where our Chief Product Engineer Vladimir Concescu has gone.

“Where is Vladimir? Is he working on the Pütz? When will the Pütz be available at The Best Buy?”. These are common questions that I have been asked almost every day for the past three months. Until last week I did not have a good answer.

Sometime during the month of May Vladimir disappeared. He did not leave a note. He did not mark off any days on the Official DuroSport Corporate Vacation Calendar. He did not even turn on his “out of the office’ auto-reply in The Lotus Notes (even though the official DuroSport corporate policy dictates that all employees must use an “out of the office” auto-reply when leaving the office for more than 9 hours).

Many of us were angry that he would leave the company at such an important time. We are already one year late in bringing the Pütz to market, and now our Chief Product Engineer runs off to who knows where.

By June we all figured out that the company runs much more smoothly without Vladimir around. But that did not change the fact that we are counting on Vladimir to finish his engineering work on the Pütz. There are still many important design issues that must be addressed. It was beginning to look like maybe he was not up to the challenge. Could it be that Vladimir had outdone himself with the Prism DuroSport? Was it possible that the product specifications for the Pütz are so advanced that Vladimir does not have the necessary skills to finish the design?

By July we stopped worrying and learned to enjoy what we were all beginning to call “our special quiet time without Vladimir”.

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Stupid People

Stupid people are the reason why I originally wanted to outsource our customer support to The Geek Squad in The Second Life. Who better to deal with stupid customers but the stupid geeks?

Everyone once in a while we get a complaint. This is very rare. You will have a hard time finding someone who has something bad to say about our DuroSport products. When we do get a complaint it is almost always a “user error”. And by “almost always” I mean ALWAYS.

Below I will reprint a complete transcript of a recent customer service encounter. Please note the following about this individual:

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Why I Hate The Geek Squad: Reason Number 476

In my day I have had more than my share of problems with an organization known as The Geek Squad. These are the kids who hang around in The Best Buy supposedly answering technical questions and helping customers make important decisions — like whether to buy a Windows PC or stick with The Tandy (I say stick with The Tandy). They call them “geeks” because they are supposed to be experts on the sort of things that only geeks really care about. In reality I think that The Best Buy would be better off hiring a group of randomly selected 15 year-olds.

Over the years The Geek Squad has frustrated me to no end. Usually I just need to get the price on some unmarked box. Instead, The Geeks insist on giving me a lecture on the history of the modem. I just want the price. I don’t need a lecture on something no one cares about.

Then there was the time they refused to help me with my clock radio! I purchased the radio at The Best Buy, so why wouldn’t The Geek Squad help me? “Not our department” they insisted. I think the truth was that they did not know how the clock radio worked and they were just too embarrassed to admit it. I finally got help from the nice lady in the appliance department. She was no “geek”, but thanks to her I am now finally on The Daylight Savings Time like everyone else.

Recently I read the news that The Geek Squad was moving into The Second Life. I found this to be quite interesting for obvious reasons. So many things are better in the “virtual” reality world of The Second Life that it is possible that The Geek Squad might be better too. So I decided to give The Geeks another chance.

Continue reading Why I Hate The Geek Squad: Reason Number 476